At the end the ones who truly matters, will always be there no matter the distance [Family]
My dear grandmother. The woman I saw as my everything as a child. Almost everyday after school I would go to her house. There I always go to her bedroom where she watches telenovela and I often make homework till we both fall asleep. Getting up I hear the water boiler go and I know she is making us a good afternoon tea. We often sit on the small dinning table in her kitchen which always had this transparent plastic table cloth and underneath, a lace table cloth, mostly in white. I would always trace the lace with my finger. Her kitchen smelling like the wood of the old kitchen cabinets that were in the colour blue, a unique kind of blue with outlined flowers in a darker shade of blue. After tea we would usually go to her big back porch to water her plants, broom the porch and feed the two large birds she had. One of them making baby sounds, taught by my cousin when she was a baby. She would talk to them all the time making sure they know that they are loved. On rainy days the porch would fill up with water, I would always go and walk in the water. It was always so cold. Most of the time my grandma would scream at me that I will get sick. My grandma had a big house. I liked the house during the day but I used to be afraid at night time. The house had a lot of happy and sad memories. My uncle passed away in the back porch. I remember that day, it was the first time in my life where I felt true pain in my heart. I was young, confused, mad and sad. I remember the fun times we had with him, man he scared the crap out of me with his fake hand. He would always hide for us and when he catches you, he would tickle you to death. He was amazing, he was someone I loved very dearly, an awesome uncle and an amazing father to his two daughters. My grandma had his picture in the dark hallway and for some reason when you see the picture it was either he was laughing and happy with you or sad and mad. The house was very warm, smelled old, it was dark even during the day, it felt dusty but it was very clean. The house had a lot of mystery. After the passing of my uncle I stopped going there as often, I think cause it made me sad. That is when my grandmother started staying with us at our house. I always slept next to her. Her smell, her talking always made me feel calm. The way she massages her face always pushing the skin up and never down, this to minimise the wrinkles. The older I got the more distant I got. There were reasons behind this. Yesterday I called her again. Her voice was totally different, I did not recognise it. How she talked to me was so different, she was very happy. When I used to call her she was always so depressed and sad and mad. I love my grandma and always will. She knows that. We might not have been on the same page, but our bond will forever be strong. To me she will always be my Peya. My favourite grandma. Thank you for taking care of me the way you did and for loving me like a grandma should.
Pa semper, Bo pret’i wowo!
At work it became a she said and he said game. It has been a game forever. I have let my guard down significantly, and I do admit that it was my own fault. The biggest mistake I made was holding onto hope. A hope that I knew deep inside was a waste of time, but somehow I needed to prove myself wrong. What I did learn about this whole experience was to let go. Let it all go. Know your position and your worth. I am not saying I am better than anyone but one thing I know is that I am better than this. I have learned that this company is the most ugly company I have ever worked for. I have learned that they take and take and the moment they have to give they literally throw you down the drain. The form of communication is gossiping and bringing inside information to people from the outside. That your opinion does not matter. I don’t do triangles. I don’t invest my time in gossiping about other colleagues to the outside. It is not me. I do not step on others to get somewhere. I am honest to myself and others. I give my opinion and say things like they are. But I noticed that this only brings you more down the ladder. This is a zone I will refuse to get into. I am bigger than this. I am a bigger person in this. I have morals and I take them very seriously. I know where I draw a line and I know who I am as a person. I care a lot yes I do but this time I have to be selfish and put everything aside. This for my own piece of mind. I am going to work on myself and this is only the beginning. I work hard to get what I deserve, I don’t screw people over to get there. That is to low for me. It does not fit my standards.
It is as clear as a summer sky but it can get dark, like a night without the presence of the moon. It is a constant fight to keep it alive, it was never meant to be easy. It was also never meant to be hard. Other comes and other goes. Sometimes it takes just one to be complete. There are the lucky ones and the ones that needs to wait just a bit more. It can be heartbreaking or just breathtaking. Make sure it is worthy of your time. Make sure it does not limit you, as love can be as clear as a summer sky but it can definitely get as dark as a night without the presence of the moon.
I have been in my comfort zone for a long time. Well 12 years to be exact. After that I changed and became who I am today. However, I noticed that once again I am stuck in this comfort zone. I also realised that I need to step out of it and try new things, experience new things and get to know myself better. What I learned in 3 years is incredible. It’s more than I have ever learned during my 32 years of life. I learned to become the self independent and kick ass woman I am today. Not to sound arrogant but that is literally how I will describe myself. By now you realised that I am very straightforward and like my father always made sure we knew, we don’t bullshit around. That stuck to me till this day and I go by it every single day. You either say what is on your mind directly or you stay there wondering. Well ladies and gentleman I have zero time to stand there and wonder. I do believe in women empowerment but I would not call myself a feminist, the reason for this is because I would not be here if it was not for the strong women and amazing men in my life. I do believe in equality. For some people that is bullshit, well that is your bullshit opinion and this is mine. So no hard feelings but I also learned that you take what makes you stronger as a feedback and apply that in your life, now the garbage that you get just because; can go where it belongs. I don’t hold on to people like I used to I mean are you kidding me? If you saw half of the people I had in my life, you would wonder wtf I was doing for so long. I wonder that as well but hey they all turned out to be a valuable lesson. Such as there is not a lower version of this in life. Ok maybe that was a bit mean but still it is exactly what came in my mind. OOhh yeah the most important thing I learned is never ever apologise for the person you are, for who you were and for the person you will become! Than again I have people that stayed, I might see them once in a blue moon or talk to them once a month but these people also contributed to who I am. These are strong people in their own way. Let’s add one more lesson that I have learned. Accept people for who they are, analyse someone before putting a stamp on their forehead. People act certain ways and there is always a reason they do so. Before I left Aruba which is 9 years ago I promised to live a life without the word hate or judge. And I lived by that promise till this day. I truly believe that some words should never be applied to your life. I choose not to judge anyone, as for me everyone are allowed to be who they are and I have zero rights to say otherwise. I might not like all I see but I know that there is also beauty there. I look for the beautiful in everything. Now HATE is the most ugliest word there is. This is a word I strongly avoid. Why the fuck would I hate someone? Because they hurt me? Because they hate me? There is no freaking reason for me to hate someone! They hurt me, well it’s part of life. We are human, you cry, you scream but at the end you will wear them pants and get the fuck on. They hate you? Well congratulations, remind me to buy them a big bottle of champagne. My life at this moment is surrounded by so much love and it is the love I gave that I get back in return. I never ask for a reward or for presents. I do ask for respect for one another, to motivate others to be the best they can be and to celebrate each other triumph in life. I am at the happiest I have ever been. I accomplish goals on a daily basis. I fight harder than I ever had and I lift people up when they hit rock bottom. I am not perfect but one thing I know I am proud of it! I make mistakes and I fail. The only difference is that I take them as a treasure and I grow up, I become better and I become happier. 3 years ago you would see me as someone who never spoke up her mind, who thought less of herself. Someone who had no confidence in herself, the one who blamed the world for everything and that loved to be the victim as that was the way to get this attention I though I needed. Well I never thought that the woman of the past was the foundation on which I would make my future mansion. That woman still exists, in my memories. It is a reminder of how far I got in life and all my accomplishments. The moment I though life was only getting more unfair I opened my mouth. By opening my mouth I created a woman that does not take any bullshit, a woman that is more than she ever thought she would be. A woman that has no reason to look down as that was her past. I will grab the future by it’s balls, and I will see who decides to stand in my way as they will have the fight of a lifetime. It takes one person to bring a change to the world, it takes one person to bring peace and it takes only one person to share love. Try it, you will see a more beautiful life. I promise!
I suffered a lot since you were gone. I missed you unconditionally. I did not know how to deal with life and I did not understand why? Why you had to leave me. I often wondered if I could’ve helped you if I was there. I did not understand why I had to go through all this since I was 6. I didn’t know how to let you go. I hated life for making me feel the way I felt. For mourning you for so long. You were a special part of me. This year after communicating with my family I came to realisation that I have to let you go so I can live freely. I will never forget you or the pain will always remain but I also know that I should not mourn you anymore. I have to be happy and satisfied with what God gave me and that was 6 amazing years next to you. This is something no one can ever take away. I made the step to start 2018 by allowing myself to heal. I LOVE YOU and always will. And I know someday somehow we will see each other again. Thank you for being proud of me and for being my guardian angel. You contributed to my successes of today and the ones of tomorrow. Uncle Royce James Solognier thank you for everything!
2017 is coming to its end and I have to admit that I am so proud of myself. I am proud of the many times I fought to get where I am without giving up. Today I am stronger than ever before in my life. I learned to forgive and move on, to put people that matters before others and to demand what I think I deserve. I learned that respecting others gives you so much respect in return. I learned that I can have a very positive influence on people and that I love taking care of others and empower others to become their very best. My main goal for 2017 was to find myself and I did. I learned that it is ok to cry and get hurt. It is ok to feel pain and irritated, but that I must never forget that those are temporary. The change is one I have to make myself in order to flourish! It is something I have to do to be invincible. I am throwing all the old away and making ways for the new! I am giving and expecting nothing in return. I am going to be where I want to be in 2018. I will make choices that will have an impact in my life! I was born to be the best I can and I am living to achieve that. It is my life, I have the key to happiness and that is something no one will take away from me. There is no stopping me, there is no standing in my way! This woman will make things happen on her own. I was raised by a stay at home mom and a workaholic dad. I made the decision to follow the steps of the man who made me. I will be an equal in my future relationship. I will be a woman of strength.
The inner peace you get when putting your mind to something is amazing. This year was a very heavy year for me as I have been gone through a lot emotionally, I was mentally challenged and physically I pushed my body to its limits. I made a GOAL list for this year and I am very proud to announce that I am more than halfway there. This is something I have never really accomplished before. I have put myself out there. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I failed and learned. I grabbed opportunities and I definitely fought hard. My self-confidence is blooming, I am more accepting of who I was in the past and who I am becoming. I am fully aware of my surroundings and the people next to me. I am more capable of making choices. I prioritize things that truly matters to me. Keeping a space between me and my partner (technically not, but yet still is in a way) was what I needed. I am turning into a person that I don’t recognise myself, even so I think she is wonderful, smart, courageous, capable, daring and just herself! I worked so so hard for this moment and to feel all this. 2018 I got you! We got this!